Story #39

So my ban finally ended some minutes ago. Yay for me!

I've been banned for two weeks, and that's what stopped me from posting what I've been wanting to post here for a couple of days right now. As some of you might remember (which I highly doubt) I was posting about my soon-to-be-GF a few weeks ago. I was really excited and happy and all, and I could tell that she was really in love with me (and the vice versa situation happened some time later, I fell in love with her. Though it should be said, after some doubts in my mind). I was happy, too, because this was my first shot at any type of ‘relation’ other then standard friendship with a girl. But, just take a look at the title of the thread. Of course no such thing happened.

What DID happen is the following. We continued talking etc, and it was all nice and dandy at first (that makes it sound evil, doesn’t it?). Until I noticed a rather steep decline in her attention to me. Her replies became shorter, less enthusiastic, and also I noticed she stopped referring to me in her screen-name on MSN. I desperately tried to keep up the conversation, but it needs to be said I’m no genius at making up stuff to talk about. I decided to give up and let her talk to me if she wanted to, but that I wouldn’t be the conversation-opener anymore. And thus it happened that she logged on, and I waited for her to start saying something. As you might guess, nothing... nothing at all...

Not too long ago, however, she seemed in a little more talkative mood. The conversation started out nicely, until it fell dead, nothing left to say. I wait a while, only to see nothing will happen.

This is when I decide to tell her what I think. I started off by telling her I’ve been feeling quite sucky the last couple of days, and I apologised to her because I was probably just worrying too much again (as I usually do). All I got from her is “Nah it’s all right, don’t apologise.” This, somehow, made me snap. It made me throw out what had been bugging me all at once, in complete honesty. I told her I thought she seemed so uninterested in me, and that it seemed as though she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I told her that in all my life, I hadn’t had nearly as much attention I had had over the last couple of weeks, and that now all of a sudden it had stopped. Lastly, I told her I’m just a stupid dude, who didn’t understand it, and that that’s why I kept wondering why she kept ‘ignoring me’. This, I feel, is when she started becoming honest.

First she said something along the lines of “I don’t know either”, but when I asked her to explain, she gave me the following reply (not exactly ofc, it was in Dutch): “I don’t know... We think too much (referring to a bit of conversation we'’ had before). But so much has happened recently... and I’m putting the fact that I’m in love aside. I need to study for school really hard (something like exams), and first I could get this feeling back, but now I’ve “lost it”.”

I proceeded to tell her that this was exactly the reply I’d been fearing, and that it sucked to me because I kept falling in love more, while I noticed the opposite happened to her. She told me it made her feel dreary, and that she’s got the feeling that, and I quote, she’s “afraid to be in love”. She somehow can’t do it, she puts it away.
Of course I asked her why she thinks this. She explains to me that in her surrounding, she sees many friends having BF/GFs. And she also sees that these people ‘abandon’ the rest of their friends, and that she’s really scared to become like that herself.

I told her she didn’t have to worry about it. I think she’s too... I dunno... “smart” to start behaving like this, and I told her that if she did, I’d tell her. I’d keep a watch out for her. I tried to comfort her by telling that I know this dude, and he’s got a GF, but that he’s never ‘left us’ (us being his friends).

She told me she’d want to find out if she would start behaving like this before she started anything serious. I asked her how she intended to do that, and she didn’t know. I admitted to her that I could think of only one way to find out, and that is to try it.

I do believe she has to pass school first. There is a tremendous pressure on her right now. We have agreed to take a break, and after it’s all over see what we’ll do. But I’m still afraid of what will happen. I’m afraid she’ll run off with someone else, or something like that.

Just thought I’d drop by here and post my story. Please tell me what you think.