Story #40

Ok, I said I was going to post my story, so here it is.

** WARNING, BIG TEXT **

I'll start at I was about 10 years old, when I was in 4th or 5th grade. I was very shy and naive at that time (still is to an extent, tbh..) so I didn't have much contact with people at all. But there was 2 girls in my class that had started to shown interest in me, but it was more that they was picking on me. I got confused; were they interested in me or were they just being mean to me? I didn't think much more about it though, and am still not sure.

Fast forward to 7th grade. New school, new class. I told myself that I shouldn't be the same as I was before; being shy and insecure, and not taking contact with girls. Some of the people in my class were from my old school, but most were new. I took interest in one girl in particular, that I will call Ann from now on. Ann was the tallest one in the class, and good looking at that time. But, I was still insecure like hell so I didn't say anything about it. Time passed, things went on an usual. But one day when I was chemistry class, doodling in my text book like usual of how I was in love with her, I had to go to the bathroom. When I came back, everyone laughed at me, and I realized what happened: someone had opened my textbook and shown my doodling. I felt like the laughing stock of the year.

8th grade, same class. One day when I was walking back to school from gym class I had a chat with some classmates, and someone asked me "Who are you in love with?". As Ann wasn't actual at that time, I was thinking of someone else, who I will call Marie. I hadn't actually taken notice of Marie earlier, but now I saw that she really was good looking. I took more interest in Marie, we spent some time at school just hanging out outside the classrooms and stuff, and after school I was chatting with her. One day when I was chatting with her, she asked me "Are you in love with me?". As I was surprised by the answer, I just replied "YES!" and closed the chat window, but just moments later I told her that's what I meant and asked her to not tell anyone about it, and she promised me she wouldn't. But the day later at school, my classmates asked me what me and Marie was talking about. I got confused, since she wasn't going to tell anyone about it. I didn't think any much about it though, and went on. We had a media project later on where we were in the same group, and we made a great video together with two other classmates. I haven't heard from her since we graduated.

Even more forward, to college. Due to my failures of trying to get together with someone the years before, I decided I would go straight on, trying to get together with someone. So I set sight to this girl in my class, which I will call Liz. I talked a lot with Liz in the beginning of term, and we had fun together, but later on found out that she already had a boyfriend. So I lost confidence again and forgot about it. We still stayed friends though, and hanged out after school, studying together. Although it wasn't much studying, just having fun. Several times I tried to make a move on her, but damn was I still too shy to do it This kept on going until one year before we graduated, where I realized it was just a waste of time.

During second year of college, I got contacted by a girl (that I will call Louise) on a community site for singles. We sent messages to each other, and chatted, and it felt like it was going along really good with her. But one day she told me that she had a boyfriend, which I was really surprised to hear. We still stayed friends, and we messaged each other, but nothing more than that happened. Shortly after Christmas, she asked me if we could have a night out at town, and we were to bring both a friend with us. I was fine with that, and brought along my best friend to come.

We four had a great time together, just messing around in town and having fun, and I couldn't help to notice that my friend and her talked a lot. I didn't think much more than that about it, and just went on with my life. But, on Valentine's day later that year, he told me that she had broken up with her boyfriend and they two were now a couple. With that in mind, together with the fact I was still single and it was Valentine's Day, I got completely heartbroken. Although I was a bit mad that he had taken the opportunity and not me, I got over it and just went along with my life. We three are still friends.

Third year of college. I am still single, and I'm still on the community, when a girl is messaging me too. Now this girl was something really special, we messaged each other like mad about all kinds of stuff, like what we were going to do in the future, and it felt like we were already a couple. She was going with her family to our town a couple of weeks after, and we decided to meet up. But I chickened out just a few days before that. I don't know why I did that, but I guess I was too afraid of commitment.

And since I graduated from third year of college, most of the contact I've had has been over the internet, having shut myself in after all the hard things that happened in the past. But it doesn't make things better, especially if you're shy and insecure like me. Since then it's been just small talks with girls, telling each other stuff, feeling that it could be something, just to get that crushed. If there's something in my body that is completely broken, that would be my heart.