I.. thought about this for a long time. Whether I should write here or not I mean. As I'm typing this, I am still not quite sure about it. But I am typing. I guess that's some kind of progress.
I would like to start off by telling you something about myself. Perhaps that would make you see what kind of girls I like. And why it ended that way.
I am seventeen years old, though my questionable behaviour could be the equivalent to a 30 year-old I guess. I say questionable, because although I act like a grown-up, I am kind of.. strange. First off I have an error in my speech, making me unable to talk fluently. It is called "stuttering" in English I think. I also show some signs of social dysfunction, almost schizophrenic. So my self-esteem is pretty low indeed. I am also antisocial.
So that's me. Furthermore I have pretty high ambitions when it comes to education. I want good grades in everything. I hate people who slack at school, I don't see the point.
I thought there was no girl that could match up with me. I really did.
I first met this girl at an LAN party last summer. She dropped by to talk with one of the guys I hung out with there. The first thing she asked us was if we were in Molten Core, and she was actually being excited about it. I ended up just staring at her. How the hell could a girl know what Molten Core was? It was strange. And funny. She noticed I was staring at her after a while, so I went back to WoW. We didn't speak or anything.
Second time I met her was the first day at Senior High. I didn't speak to her now either. She just.. existed. It went on like this for a while, until I realized that this was actually a quite bright, up going girl. She seemed to be very shy as well. Didn't make much out of herself. Unlike most girls at my age. She also did pretty well at school.
The sixth of December, last year, I decided to chat her up.. On MSN of course. /facepalm. And it went surprisingly well. I don't think she ever noticed that I am actually one of the most geeky persons in the world. To her, I seemed like a cool, smart guy who could talk all day. At this point, I fell for her. In addition to being bright and sensible, I figured she was quite charming as well. And good looking. Too good looking for my league. That didn't stop me. I was in love. First time actually. It felt very weird.
Happiness didn't last for long though. Here's what happened after Christmas.
My ex best friend (he's not anymore because of this) decided to make a move on her. After I confessed to him that I was in love with her. While he was making a move, she confessed to a complete other boy that she liked him, and had been liking him for over a year. In the middle of all this, she talks to me about how sad she is because she can't seem to get the boy she likes. I gave her comfort. I was there for her. And on the top of that, she later said to me that she could not bind herself to anyone. Her feelings went nuts when she did so.
This was about the time I started to ignore her. Spontaneously. I didn't answer her on MSN. Not on Mail. I avoided her IRL, and I planned a fight with her, just to make her hate me. I did pretty well. She hasn't spoke with me for a couple of months now.
Imagine, meeting the first girl that ever showed interest in you. She said that WoW was pretty cool. She admired me for what I was. She thought I was funny, and interesting. Everyone else just look at me and say "oh, that's the guy who's so skilled in mathematics, writing etcetc". They don't talk to me. They don't want to know me. This girl did.
I have been ignoring all the sadness I should have felt back then. Until yesterday night where I broke down completely. It's a funny thing actually, I have been a bastard to her. Without feeling sad about it. I know how people work. I know how to make them happy, and angry. Just because I don't talk with them does not mean I don't understand them. I set up a fight with her on purpose just to make her hate me. It's alarming that I think of this as a sort of strategy game. But that's the way I think. And one of the last things she said to me was that she had grown very fond of me. And that she cared about me a lot. First person that ever told me that.
According to quantum physics, there exists no such thing as "free will". That's quite a relieving thought at the moment. At least it wasn't my own fault I threw away my life's chance. It was either set up from the beginning, or totally random. Depends on what theorems you support.
I'm off to sleep.