Story #61

Hey everyone!

I didn't think I was going to post this but what the hell.

***Whoa... I wrote a long story lol, hope you are immune to Wall of Text crits ^_^

The story starts when I was 17 (I am 20 now). I used to be very shy and didn't have much friends. Low self-confidence, depressed. In a way I am not doing much better these days but I did work on my "social skills", and things are looking better for me.

I had no problems in primary school, had lot friends and so on. Then came the high school. And things started to get wrong. I didn't have many friends (I blame myself for that because I didn't even tried to get them - and when I realized this it was already too late I guess).

Anyway, there was this girl in our class. I noticed her the first day of school and she was very pretty, smart and nice. But I didn't really had any "love at first sight" feelings for her. It was at the beginning of the third year that I started to be in love with her. She was just a girl like no other. Not only she was the most beautiful girl I ever saw, she was smart, funny, intelligent, friendly, she went out a lot, and her lovely voice! (I could listen to her for 10 days straight) - basically she was perfect in every way.

In this third year in school we had to choose few subjects and there were smaller groups at each. Anyway I was in same group as her - everywhere. And I was just so in love. Almost every morning she came to school at about same time as me (maybe a few minutes before others) and we saw each other in the hallway. And I said: "Hi" and she didn't say "Hi" back but she just looked at me and smiled - and it was something about this smile, it was just so real and pristine, it's hard to explain it with words, but at that moment time just stopped for a few moments. It was just me, and her, and we looked at each other and she was smiling just for me. I wish that moment would last forever. And almost every morning the exacly same thing happened. And every time her smile was just so honest and real.

If she had to read something during the classes I was just listening to her voice, didn't even know what she was actually saying. I was looking at her as much as I could - I tried not to stare at her. And here and then our eyes met and time stopped again for me. I was just so in love it's hard to explain.

Anyway one day the class was over and few of us are about to go home. Everyone in their own direction. And somehow I went in same way as her. I had to visit the library to borrow some book. And she said: "Oh you going this way?". And I said "Yep, I'm going to to library to rent a book". And she was so happy that she didn't need to walk to home alone. So we walked, and talked about things - and those 10-15 minutes were just one of the best moments in my life. When we got there, we said goodbye to each other, she went home. I rented a book and went back to school and to bus station.

The next day after class was finished I was about to go to bus and home. And she said "Hey you going this way?". And was like "Yea". And I didn't actually needed to go there. I only said "Yes" to her so I could spend another 10 minutes with her. She asked me why am I going this way because I usually take the bus. And I made up a story that I wait my dad at library and that he picked me up on his way from work. Well, so I walked her home like 2-3 times a week, for almost 2 school years. And every time we walked for like 10 minutes and when she left, I had to walk 15 minutes back to a bus station. Funny thing is that she never found out that I was actually walking all the way back to bus every time when she left. We talked about many things on these walks and I found out a lot of things about her. She was really an "open" person, she told me a lot of things about herself...

She had the best marks in our class. She passed practically every exam with an A+. And sometimes when she said that some exam was pretty hard, friends of hers said to her like "Why are you complaining? You are going to pass it anyway, hehe."

... she said to me how he hates that people have so high expectations for her. And that they take it for granted that she is doing so good at school, without knowing how much hard work is there behind all of it. She told me a lot of things like this.

I on the other hand wanted to tell her how much I love her every time we walked "home". But I was just to shy and to afraid. I was even rather good looking. But still, I had no friends, no social life and even she knew that. So I was just quiet. And never told her how I feel about her. But it was so painful... to stand so close to the person you love the most in the whole world and knowing that she doesn't know that.

Time went by fast and soon there was the prom. I wanted to ask her if she would like to dance with me, but I hesitated for too long and missed my chance. Anyway, after there came the prom and we had a party afterwards. We kind of split up in few groups and went to different places, I got pretty drunk. Eventually around 5 AM me and like 5-6 others came to this disco where we said we are all going to meet.

And there she was. Looking as beautiful as never before. And when I came in the room my glasses became all foggy (was really cold outside). She saw that and walked to me and wiped the fog from my glasses with her hand. And she looked at me with those pretty eyes and smiled. And I smiled back. And at that moment I realized that she was also in love with me. I just knew it somehow. And this group that I came in with we all sat down and we were just so cold because we were walking for like 3 hours at like 0°C. And she came to us and she asked if anyone wanted to dance. And she kind of tried to pull them up but nobody wasn't really in the mood. So she comes to me and grabs my hand and she says "Come, let's go dance"..... And I wanted to go and dance with her more than anything in the world... But somehow I didn't stand up. And eventually she went back on the dance floor alone............................................................................... :((

This was the biggest mistake in my life. I don't know WHY THE @/#" I didn't say "YES". I ask myself this question every single day. For more than a year now. Every day. And I just know that if I would say yes to her, and we would go dancing I would tell her that I love her. I was drunk enough to be brave, and no too much so I knew exactly what was going on. And I just knew that she loved me too back then.

So school ended. And I haven't seen her since. We went to different Uni's. We are in the same city - but it's a big city. I meet a school friend from time to time. But it is never her.

Few weeks ago we had this high school reunion party. And at first I didn't wanted to go, because like I said I didn't have many friends among them. But I forced myself to go, because she might be there - I mean she always went to these sort of parties. And when I got there, I found out that she was on seaside. And that she won't be coming.

So here I am. Still in love with her (I love her for more than 3 years now - and I never told her). And I am pretty depressed a lot of times. And I am asking myself why didn't I go dance with her? Why was I so stupid? And I think about what would happen if I would told her that I love her that night. We could be together. I could be with her.

I don't know when we will meet again. I hope we will someday soon. But it's already been 14 months since I saw her. So she probably have a boyfriend already. And it might be to late for me.

Whatever the case, no matter what happens, she will ALWAYS be in my heart.