How to start...
Well, let's say that during the most of my life I have been cold to people, as in - I don't want to get close to them, due to the fact that people simply suck, and are almost never honest. And dishonesty is something i despise the most. Also during the most of my life I've been the black sheep for most, mocked and all that. Basically kicked while still on the ground.
So yeah, I've learned to keep distance from anyone. I have also been depressed for about 4 years now. At times it just gets too much to handle for me, i've done some stupid things due to it. I'm 19 now anyway.
I can count the people, that I remotely call friends on one hand.
So, let's say that all the times i have decided to make a compromise about something - it ended bad.
All of the things I'm thinking about are connected with each other and mixed up, so its a bit hard to arrange them.
I've been recovering... so to say, after some bad things happening with a girl i had really strong feelings for. That kind of girl, which you take as the smartest, most beautiful thing you have ever seen. No thoughts about 'omg i wanna $#@% her'. Just simple, pure love.
It's been going for long time and i loved her with my whole heart... but as you can guess, it ended bad. Not due to her, but due to my obsessions. My love became destructive love, and I %%!#ed up everything. I became a person I never intended to. I became one of those guys that care for someone else more than themselves... so she got tired and ... yeah, its kinda %%!#ed up.
As I study photography at university I had some things to take photos of - including portraits of people.
Well, of course I came with the bright idea to take photos of the 'different' people. Read - goth/emo/whatever.
So for some time I've been searching and taking such photos, coming out good enough. At some point I got stuck with one style, but a girl which I met through a friend of mine - like 2 years ago. She lives in another city.
So yeah, you can guess.
I told her (at the time I only had her skype, I even had to ask my friend for it so I can get in touch with her) and went there.
I took my photos, fun fun, everything went fine and I came back home. The photos, of course were nice, as she is really photogenic. So I was done with my coursework.
With time, though, our chats became something different. And there I am, the next week - there again, meeting with her... but this time not for photos, I wasn't sure what I felt, I wasn't even sure what she felt.
And you can imagine how strange and nice it felt at the same time. Having mixed feelings due to recovering after the break-up with that other girl, which i loved so much... and slowly starting to like this one.
I clearly remember one moment from that week - we were at some garden and i was lying on some kind of slide (where kids play), the sun was shining at my face, and she was looking at me from above... smiling. So yeah, during that whole day we were hugging and whatnot.
When it was time for me to go, it was night time, we were sitting on a bench at the train station and it was raining... just sitting there holding each other. So yeah, I decided to break the silence, and told her how I felt. She seemed a bit shocked... but at the end we kissed.
I felt so happy, everything seemed nice, around her I didn't feel depressed or anything.
1 week afterwards we broke up. She said her feelings were gone.
It's those things that make you regret... and make you angry at yourself. Doing things, which you are sure about - that wont work. But why do you do them? Because you are pathetic :)
Long distance relationship... yeah, i probably had the will to make it work, but obviously she didn't.
So yeah, afterwards a colleague of mine asked me if we were just friends... I've cut her off.
Yes, I liked her, and maybe things would have been different if I wasn't so fed up with all my failures and everything. I kinda decided that I want nothing from anyone any more.
Since then, our friendship isn't the same, and believe me... it used to be nice, a person you can talk with about everything - a person that has nice input.
Kinda sucks, but for some its obviously better to be alone.