Story #73

Okay, well, I've never had a girlfriend or had sex, which sucks.

But I have been in love before.

Bit of background would be that I wasn't interested in girls (or anything) from 6-9, same as most boys. For me though, I had a reputation for "not liking girls" until I was 14. Not sure why it stuck, but it did. The reputation partly became me; so I wasn't interested in girls as much as most boys my age. The two crushes I had in that time were more because my best friend also fancied them, so it became a kind of game.

Then I left school shortly before I was 14 due to social problems; pretty much ex-communicated myself from the outside world.

Anyway, my sister had a friend, 2 and a half years younger than me. And over the course of a year, we became great friends. Never judge a book by it's cover, because at face-value she seemed like a stereotypical ditsy blonde. She was blindingly intelligent at times, and I just really enjoyed talking to her or listening to her insights.

We had been playing some game, and for some reason, we created a make-shift bed in the garden; all innocent. But, at some point, I marvelled at the closeness of our bodies (fully clothed), and it just struck me that she was incredibly attractive, and due to the "reputation", I experienced an awakening of sorts. One of the high points of my life.

Then *!#! hit the fan, and I became anxious and depressed due to outside influences. In hindsight, I should have given her the choice; but I was new to depression, so I made the choice for her and while we still flirted all the time, I felt I could never make the move because I didn't want to inflict my pain on her. I can remember opportunities that would have been perfect, and they are my greatest regrets.

Anyway, I believe she may have felt the same, but she got tired of waiting; can't say I blame her. She and my sister drifted apart also, and in my depressed/anxious state, I felt I couldn't independently see her. Haven't seen her since.

It probably seems like this was just the standard hormones related love, or that I attached myself to her due to being a loner; but I firmly believe it was genuine love. I still remember everything about her 8 years on. While I wanted to have sex with her, it was never a priority. I could have basked in her presence, doing nothing, for years.

While it is a huge regret, "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". I've turned the regret into a positive emotion; it has actually helped with the anxiety. The concept of love also opened many doors. All in all, the experience has made me a much better person.