There's this one girl that keeps coming back in my life, every time.
It all started out in third grade (don't know if these grades are equal in all countries, but I was 14, so go figure). Our school organized a "survival camp" in the Ardennes, during the Spring. The camp took 5 days. When I met her on the first day, I was too shy to say anything. She was bloody gorgeous, I thought she was way "out of reach", if you know what I mean. I can't say I didn't have any experience on girlfriends at all, though, back then.
We've had eye-contact a couple of times (resulting in me quickly turning my head) and we talked a bit during a teamwork-game, though that was all related to the game we were playing.
It wasn't until the party at the last evening that I managed to chat with her. Our friend-groups kind of merged at the last day, so I was pretty lucky with that. There was a great comfort between us, though the main reason was probably because the teachers would let us have alcohol. We started dancing (read: jumping around like retards) and we ended up together on a bench near a playground. We admitted our feelings towards each other and switched phone numbers. Later on, I heard from her friend she had been talking about me ever since the camp had started. Wow.
Back at home, we planned a date nearly 2 days after our arrival. It was the start of a "cute" relationship. We cuddled and hugged and held hands in public, but barely ever kissed. She wasn't really into kissing, not even to speak of French kissing. 1,5 months later, she broke up because she "just wasn't ready for this stuff". I have to add that she was 16, 1,5 years older than me. She insisted on staying friends, so we stayed in touch.
We chatted on MSN for hours and hours. It was during those conversations when she told me her mum died not so long ago, and that it's stopping her a bit in her emotional development. Between last August and that Spring/Summer, it happened two times that we started having feelings for each other again (or in other words: reviving our old feelings).
The first time was during a birthday-party of a shared friend. Beforehand, our MSN activity was growing rapidly. We didn't meet up in real life until that party. It turned out to be a slumber party. We slept in the same room. It was all good and cozy, and when we went home the day after, we agreed on going to the cinemas Sunday next week. That Sunday, while I was waiting for her at the theatre, she texted me she forgot she had badminton-training and she couldn’t make it to the theatre. I was pissed, she obviously knew this before we even planned on going to the cinema, so why did she call it off so late? It appeared she was dealing with the same problem again. She just wasn’t ready for this stuff.
Years passed, flirts became girlfriends became exes, though I’ve never really felt as much for them as for that one girl. Again we stayed in touch, but not as much as before. Until March 2008. I was 17, she was 18. We started chatting more and more and eventually she invited me to sleep at her niece’s place on a Saturday-eve. We would go to a discotheque with a couple of their friends. I didn’t know anyone, so I mainly talked with her. We loosened up a bit due to the alcohol, and by the time we went to the discotheque, we were holding hands. At the club, we didn’t release each other for at least an hour or so. In the end we even kissed, avec le tongue! Wow, I did a world’s first! She found out it wasn’t so bad after all. Many happy tiemz followed.
They say alcohol doesn’t create new desires, it only strengthens your old desires. Unfortunately, she thought otherwise. The morning after, she was silent, very to-the-point and in a bad mood. I left after breakfast. That evening, she told me on MSN that the alcohol caused all this, and she didn’t have any feelings for me. It was probably just her need for some male attention. Those were some pretty devastating words. She told me we shouldn’t be doing this any more. I agreed, though I took it quite hard. I had developed feelings for her for at least 3 years, and now she just waved them away like she didn’t care at all.
The following August I met my last girlfriend. It was love at first sight. I’ve never felt happier before in my life. Just after starting a relationship, that girl got in touch with me again. She told me she couldn’t get me out of her mind and that had regret of what she told me in March. I got really mad. All these years I’ve had feelings for her – last Spring she broke my heart, but now that I’ve finally met someone I truly love, she comes up with this! I told her I was with someone else now. She took it bad and removed me from MSN, but I didn’t care at all.
A couple of months passed. Eventually we apologized to each other, and we continued as buddies. Chatbuddies, that is. I helped her when she told me she probably had Asperger’s Syndrome, by being a good listener, advice dog, etc. She helped me when I broke up with my girlfriend, by being a good listener, advice dog, etc. Three months ago, we admitted we still had feelings for each other (she was now 19, I was 18). We made some brownies at my place, teased each other a bit, and kissed a little in the end. It was all very comfy. However, afterwards she said my heart was still occupied by my ex. She didn’t want to be in the second place, and I can’t give her wrong about that. The wound was still fresh. She also told me we shouldn’t do this again. Déjà vu.
Last week we got in touch again. I wonder where it will lead to this time.
Thanks for reading!