Love was the biggest call to awakening for me. I spent the vast majority of my childhood and early teen years in emotional pain, surrounded by pain.
I felt some great longing for love. Not so much TO love, but TO BE loved. I wanted to feel needed by someone. I said to myself, "Someday I'll meet the girl of my dreams and it will all work out. I'll get what I deserve for having suffered for so long."
Anyway I eventually met someone through WoW, fell "in love" with her. Looking back on that relationship, it was so full of pain, it was a reflection of the pain inside me and her. We often got into conflict, but we did occasionally share moments of peace. Overall, it was a painful relationship.
That painful relationship ended in a painful way for me. I felt like the girl I had waited for all my life, the girl I had prepared myself for all my life, the girl I've struggled for, the one person I needed to feel complete- just shattered my core. I flipped out, was crying with rage and filled with sadness, got depressed for a long time, acted out of frustration, gave up.
A large part of who I was suddenly faded, and an empty space in me was left. I can't pin-point this back to a certain time, but I began to feel that the space I thought was empty- wasn't. There was my real self. Not the person that got rejected and shattered, but the person who was there before the world took its toll on me.
I now saw two sides to myself. The painful existence that society has given me (or that I gave myself), and the peaceful one deeper down that has been there from the start.
All it has taken was that awareness of something 'more' in myself to trigger a life changing process. I'm no perfect person now, but being aware that who I thought I was before was me at all, it has lifted so much weight from me. Who I think I am is slowly retreating, and the light of who I really am is beginning to shine brighter and brighter.
I'm not saying I don't feel emotional pain any more and that everything is great. I still find myself going back to old ways from time to time, but, then I become aware (usually after, sometimes as I'm in some pain) that I've reverted to previous ways of dealing with things that only bring more pain into my life. The time I spend in conflict with others and myself is really reducing day by day, as I become more and more 'myself.'
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